Monday, 8 February 2010

Counselling For Imane

For over 2 years now I have had serious problems with my daughter, the real problems started after our last visit to Switzerland to see her dad.

The main one is she refuses to eat anything I cook and at home lives on crisps, chocolate and cucumber. Just a few days ago she began to eat roast potatoes with gravy.

She has lost an alarming amount of weight and my doctors just basically told me to starve her by refusing to give her the things she will eat. I did try it once, she refused to eat for almost 2 weeks until I had to give in.

Funny enough she eats her school dinner and also eats her breakfast at breakfast club but at home ZERO.

A lot of her behaviour is control related, she seems to want to be the adult and for me to be the child. What with the controlling, hitting and kicking, screaming and just being downright nasty sometimes (as though she hates me), her obsession with wanting to be a boy, dress and act as a boy, I was finding it hard to cope.

When my husband is at home she is sooooo good, as soon as he leaves for Uni, she is back to her normal behaviour.

Her school have finally referred her for counselling and I had to meet with the woman who will work with her this morning.
We spoke a lot about my own childhood, when I lost my only sister to cancer when she was 9 and I was 10, about my life in UAE, my marraige to Imanes dad, the way we ended up back in UK with ZERO, my mother dying the month before Imane was born etc

The counsellor believes 100% that any major stress that happens during pregnancy passes onto the unborn child, and she believes apart from the damage Imanes father has done to her by ignoring her and making it obvious he has more or less washed his hands of her, she has also suffered due to the amount of stress I was under while pregnant.

She was born into a lot of sorrow and grief and maybe that is why she is such an angry little girl.

I hope through counselling my daughter can let us see what is on her mind, why she is so angry with me (this has been going on long before my husband came into our lives) and what she actually feels about her father.

I am also going to get some counselling as I have never really spoken to anyone professional about what I have been through and maybe this will help Imane in the longrun.

I worry about Imane, she hates me speaking arabic, and when we talk about Islam and tell her she is a Muslim she get very angry and screams at me to speak english and that she is not a muslim as she is not vegetarian (have no idea why she associates Islam with Veggies). Maybe arabic and Islam are things she associates with her father and thats why she is so against us talking about it....

I pray to Allah my little girl will grow healthy and happy and loose the anger she has inside. She is my only baby and I love her very much.

Imane at Brighton Beach having an ice cream 2007, before things went downhill (she even wore pink back then and not a spiderman in sight)


Twizzle said...

as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

awwwww your lil' Imanes is sooooo adorable Mashallah!! I love that picture!!

I am so sorry for all you are going through with her... it is most difficult especially because children often don't know exactly why they are behaving the way they do in reaction to something that has happened to them.

Was she having lots of problems even before the last visit with her biological father? If a lot of it started afterwards.. I wonder if she in some way feels you did not protect her from her father... and so feels angry about it? I am in no way trying to blame you--I am just wondering how she might view and process the situation that happened... and obviously she doesn't have the behavior problems around her step-dad nor does she have the eating problems outside of the home...

That is verrrry interesting about the therapist believing that major stress can transfer to a baby in the womb... I never ever even thought of that!! I will try to read up about this online later on inshallah.

Have you had any more sessions with the therapist? Have you discussed having her draw? many times a lot can be revealed in the drawings of children. I dont' know it from experience... just reading or seeing information about it online and on tv.

About her anger when you try to speak Arabic and telling her she is a Muslim... would she have the same kind of reaction if it was your husband trying to speak Arabic to her?

that is cute she mistakenly associates Muslims as vegetarians... LOL just sad that she feels such a hatred at the thought of Arabic and Muslims... :(

Inshallah you will be able to find out what is the source of all of this behavior and be able to work through it with her and that she can lose this anger.

May Allah help you with strength and patience and that you find the right resources to help you and Imanes through this.

Miss MishMish said...

As Salaam Alaikum, I came to your blog via Twizzle's.

I will keep you and your daughter in my duas.

Things will get better, InshaAllah.

Warda said...

As Salaam Alaikum, I am very sorry to hear about your daughter and the problems you are facing with her.

I too have been having behaviourial issues with my daughter due to divorce and her not understanding the situation.

InshaAllah it will get better with lots of love and understanding and sabr from you and those around you.

I will make duah for you and your daughter InshaAllah.

Gypsy-Heart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gypsy-Heart said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can promise you that it may be just a phase or perhaps attention she's seeking. You haven't lost your little girl.

Anonymous said...

Aaaaaw mashaAllah beautiful lil imane, may Allah make it easy for you and her, just keep praying InshaAllah everything will be fine.

*After hardship comes ease*


Anonymous said...

Hi! I am studying Psychology though I am not yet a professional Psychologist. My suggestion is for you to also seek out a therapist with a different orientation.

Based on your post, I guess your therapist's orientation is psychoanalytic. I am not saying stop going to your current therapist, just try other forms of therapy like Play Therapy or Behavior Therapy because some people respond better to other forms of therapy. These have been mentioned to be suitable for children.

I hope everything will become better for your child soon inshallah.

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